This week preaching through Ruth chapter 3, Ruth makes a risky decision to propose that Boaz propose (Ruth 3). Because of the danger of a single, dressed up gal heading home by herself after midnight on Mardi Gras—Boaz protects Ruth by asking her to stick around ‘til morning (Ruth 3:11-13). One thing evident is that the sun rises on their purity. Furthermore, rather than moving her in until they get married, he sends Ruth home while it is still early so that no one will recognize her or know that they spent the night together (Ruth 3:14). Boaz is a noble man of character who honors not only Ruth’s purity but also her reputation.
This passage of Scripture brought up a great question: “Is it a good idea for us as a couple to spend the night together/live together before getting hitched if we don’t have sex?”
Because this is a decision facing many of you and because I get this question a lot pastorally, in hope of being helpful and providing pastoral care, I want to share with you a letter I wrote to a couple asking this question. I’ve packed in enough statistics and Bible verses to hopefully provide some insight:
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First of all, I want to thank you for your maturity and faithfulness in seeking Scripture and wisdom to decide how to best honor one another and God in relating to one another and the world. Sex is one of those many areas our culture is quick to white-knuckle and scream “I’ll do it my way,” and yet is also one of those areas our culture is quite obviously (looking at divorce rates, fatherless children, and addiction) failing at. This is because the world in its wisdom does not know God (1 Corinthians 1:21). Fortunately, God is not silent about marriage, sex or relationships, but designed all three as both an enjoyable gift to us and a glorious picture of Jesus’ love for his church (Ephesians 5:31-32).
My aim is to show you what the Bible teaches about marriage, sex and relationships and how that contrasts with our culture to help you know the will of God and how to think through and proceed. (I understand e-mail’s a tough medium for a conversation as there is no feedback or emotion, so please know I’m writing with a pastoral and tender heart, that deeply loves marriage and your relationship and I’m definitely available to discuss face to face.)
The progression for the majority of couples in our age-range is to have sex together, live together, get married, and get divorced. In the last fifty years twenty-somethings have increased cohabitation by more than 1,500%. In fact, two-thirds of twenty-somethings believe moving in together is a good way to protect against divorce.1Here’s the unexpected result: couples that cohabitate experience worse sex, poorer communication, overall less satisfaction with marriage, and are ultimately more likely to end the marriage in divorce.2
The progression that God laid out for our first parents as the blueprint marriage model is in Genesis 2:24, which says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
The word “therefore” points back to the fact that God created Adam and Eve male and female and then joined them together in a marriage covenant as a husband and wife (Genesis 2:21-23). As a result, they leave their father and mother, begin living together and having sex. The biblical definition of marriage portrays a wife moving in with her husband and as a result of the covenant of marriage. Husbands and wives live together biblically, not unmarried men and women.
This blueprint of relationships and marriage is so strong that both Jesus quotes it in Matthew 19:5 and Paul quotes it in Ephesians 5:32. Knowing this pattern and wisdom,it’s evident why relationships and marriage are failing so terribly in our culture. This explains the results we’re seeing in secular research that shows couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. Scholarship only continues to prove that Jesus has always known what he was talking about.
Although the pattern of Scripture is clear, I understand financially and practically it is often more expedient to begin sharing a home on the weekends or after the engagement. When we were engaged, Laura and I bought a trailer in Morgantown, but I still lived in Charleston. Every weekend I was making the 2.5 hour trek up to Morgantown and then 2.5 hours back down, crashing at my brother’s place or with friends and paying the gas money to make the trip until we were married that June. We had many voices telling us it would be much better financially to shack up, at least on the weekends. So why all the trouble when it’s cheaper to stay the weekend?
Scripture is chock-full of wisdom literature (Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, lots of Jesus’ teaching and James) that is helpful to every conceivable life situation. When there aren’t verses that specifically mention credit-card debt, visiting strippers, how much to invest in retirement, body modification, pornography, marijuana, cohabitating, etc., there’s still plenty of wisdom that applies directly to all of these situations.
Paul writes in Ephesians 5:15-17, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
When secular news sources like the New York Times are able to report from research that the current trend is to “move from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation,”3 as well as the detrimental effects of this pattern on nonChristian marriages, Christians should definitely take note of what’s foolish for a couple pursuing a God-honoring marriage verses what’s wise.
The wisdom of Scripture dictates 1.) abstaining from lust (Matthew 5:27-28) and abstaining from sex before the covenant (Hebrews 13:4) and 2.) honoring the woman’s purity and reputation in the relationship (1 Timothy 5:1-2).
For an example of abstaining from lust and sex before the covenant, Paul writes in Romans 13:14 this principle, “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” It’s pretty obvious, guys and gals were designed for sex. They complement one another. God delights in sex as an expression of a marriage covenant (just as baptism is an expression of a covenant in Christ, and communion is an expression of our covenant in the church family). Any healthy couple moving towards marriage should be excited about and anticipating sex, but it’s the man and woman’s love for one another and for God that enables them to fight lust and fight any temptations that will arouse lust or leads towards sex until after the marriage covenant where sex is to be enjoyed freely and frequently (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). When Paul writes not to make “provision for the flesh,” the principle is this: if you’re an alcoholic, it’s a bad idea to have a six pack in your fridge; if you’re a porn addict, it’s bad idea to have a computer in your bedroom; and if you’re a heterosexual male sexually attracted to a gal but not yet married it’s a bad idea to spend time in bed together, sleeping together, staying the night together, etc. There’s only one destination that train is headed to. God designed men and women to go all the way. The newly married couple in Song of Solomon warns their unmarried friends on multiple occasions, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”
For an example of honoring the woman, a couple that follows Jesus is saying to friends, family, and strangers, this is what Christ and the church looks like. Married couples that love Jesus are showing a picture of the Gospel. The way this man treats, honors, and loves this woman is the way Christ laid down his life for his church (Ephesians 5:25). One of a man’s great joys, privileges, duties (and difficulties!) is to build his girlfriend/fiancé’s honor before God her and his family and others. In our culture men dishonor women in countless ways, from crass joking about them with guys at work to pressuring them into sex. One way a godly man honors a woman and marriage and God is by not leaving room for speculation or gossip or slander of neighbors, coworkers, friends, family and strangers by having women stay overnight. An obvious example will help: if my wife is away and I invite other gals to stay the night at my place, sex may not take place, but dishonor certainly does. It violates the wisdom of Scripture and the honor of both my wife and my marriage covenant.
Acting in the wisdom of Scripture, protecting the marriage covenant, and honoring the woman, the marriage and God are hands down worth more than the cost of gas or living apart until marriage.
God is pro-relationships, pro-marriage, pro-sex, and because of that he calls us to protect marriage, protect our relationships, and honor the marriage bed by not awakening love or participating in the benefits of marriage covenant until that covenant is made. It’s certainly not the path of least resistance or the path most chosen, but Jesus has walked this path before us, and he is walking with us still by the power of His Holy Spirit and Christian brothers and sisters in community to go to bat for us and with us.
I want to ask you based on the Scripture we’ve looked at together, what is God’s will for your life regarding your relationship and living arrangements?
Based on the Scripture we’ve look at, what do you think God’s will is not for your living arrangement?
Based on Scripture we’ve read together and even secular research, do you believe it is a wise and godly decision to sleepover and/or live together? Why or why not?
What needs to change? How can I/we help?
I’m available to talk more, and/or help in any way to work out the practical side of this. I know e-mail’s not the best forum for communication, so if you prefer meeting up for further discussion we can definitely arrange that. Thank you for seeking the wisdom of Scripture and honoring God and one another.
Grace and peace,
Chris